Events.

When you live abroad, something that you miss out on a lot are the big family events. The life events. The birthdays, graduations, anniversaries. You won't be able to attend your aunt's birthday party, your cousin's graduation, your grandparents 48th anniversary party; because you are on the other side of the world. It is hard. You feel left out, left out of your own family. They are having fun, catching up, creating memories, whilst you are in a foreign country.

My parents used to always say; "we'll catch on everything when we see them again". But how do you catch up on a years worth of events in one day? The moment has passed, you won't get it back. Still, those "special" days when we did see family and caught up on all these events were always fun. We did something special, and created memories that way. It's not the same, but it's something.

You need to let your family know you care. Some people can misinterpret not being there with not caring. I know that personally, I have family members that are offended when we do not attend their life events. They know that we live far away, that getting a flight for one party is simply not doable. But still, they make us feel guilty. This is something that you have to deal with (or, if you have the perfect family, maybe you don't). So instead of being there in person, make sure you give them a call on the day. Send them flowers, a card. Make them remember that you do care, and that you wish that you could be there.

Today is my Dad's birthday. My family is in Singapore while I am here. It was hard today, because I would have done anything to be there. I know they had a great day, and that tomorrow I will have to hear about how great it was. I know that they all wish I was there, and that my Dad knows I really want to be there. And as I told him this morning in my birthday email to him; “we'll catch up on it when I see you!”

Bad day.

Everyone has bad days. Maybe something happens in school, at work, with friends, with family. Maybe you just wake up in a bad mood. Yesterday, I had a bad day. It started off with something small, but quickly turned into a vicious cycle causing me to be homesick. For most of my friends, if they are homesick, they can catch the first train back home and be there in 2 hours or less. I envy this sometimes. Yesterday, all I wanted was to talk to my mom in person, for her to hug me, for her to take care of me so I felt a bit better. As a TCK, when you go to University, this is a big struggle. You need to learn to comfort yourself, or to trust others to help you through a bad day.

I feel much better today, and so thought about how I felt yesterday, and how I handled it. I felt sorry for myself, felt like my life was so unfair compared to that of my fellow University peers. I didn't see the point of being at University so far away from home. Now, with a clearer mind, I can see that I was of course overreacting. In fact, what I am learning through these bad days is a valuable life lesson. I am learning to take care of myself, to be by myself. By this, I don't mean that I am preparing myself for a life of always being alone, because I do not have that intention. What I mean is, I am learning to fend for myself, to cater to my emotions myself. I am also learning to trust the right people to talk to when I have a bad day. You need to find friends that you trust to talk to, that make you feel a bit better. For me, these friends are like a family away from home, they mean a lot to me. Without them, I really would be completely alone.

I know that not only TCK's go through this homesickness at University (or at any point in life, for that matter). Many people suffer from homesickness, the difference is, what one can do about it. Like I said, there is no possibility for me to go home right now, and so I have to suck it up and get through it. It is not fun, but it gets easier, and I know that it is preparing me to be a strong person. If you are a fellow TCK going through this, just know that there are many of us out there. And keep in mind, feeling sorry for yourself and crying about it is not bad once in a while; just don't let it take over your life. Because while being a TCK has some downsides like this, there are many more upsides.

The first few weeks.

When you move to a new place, people assume that it is the first week or two that are the hardest. While this might seem logical, I have found that this if often not the case. Yes, during the first few weeks you miss you friends, your familiar places, but there is also excitement in the air. Excitement for starting a new chapter of your life, discovering a new place, meeting new people. The first few weeks in a new place you are in a sort of haze; everything is happening so quickly. For me, the hardest weeks were always the weeks after the first few, the weeks when you were starting to feel a little bit settled in. This is because once you start to get to know a new place, you start to miss specific things about the place you used to live.

At the start of your move, you miss the big things; your old friends, your old school, your old home. The longing hurts, but unfortunately, it will get even worse before it gets better. After a few weeks you start to miss the little things; your friends warm hug, your comfort food from the supermarket around the corner, your amazing English teacher to help you with your essay. These little things accumulate to one big thing; you want to go back. You want to go back to what you knew, to what felt so right. At this point in the move, for me at least, I was always a emotional wreck. Crying into my pillow at night, blaming everything on my parents because they "made" me move. And then, after a few weeks of this, it always became better.

It becomes better once you see the good things about the new place you live in. Seeing the good things takes a while, but once you see them, you start to appreciate them. You find a new group of great friends, you find out that your new Maths teacher is super helpful, and you find new places to buy your comfort food. So what do I want to see with this post? It does get better. Are you going through the first stages of a new move right now? If so, just know that it's alright to feel sad, to miss your old place, but also try to see the good things. Explore your new home, keep busy, so that you spend less time thinking about the things that you miss. Soon, I promise, the place which now still seems foreign to you, will become your new home.

TCA

As you might know, this blog is about TCK's (Third Culture Kids), but for this post, I will be talking about TCA's (Third Culture Adults). Recently, I turned 19. So technically, I am no longer a child, so does that mean I am now a TCA? I have not really heard the term before, but for me, a TCA is a TCK that has grown up. They are different then adults that move abroad (usually referred to as expats), because we have grown up with a third culture.

A TCA will always have a TCK inside them; just as every adult has a inner child. Even if we someday do return to our home countries, and lead a normal (not moving all the time) life, we will still be a bit different then most. We will have experienced being a part of a different culture, seen places others have not been, gone through the range of emotions that come with every move. It shapes us to be the adults we become, and thus, we become TCA's.

Personally, I think that as a TCA, I will never really lead a typical "normal" life. I don't see myself living in one place for a long time, but rather moving every few years. This is because I grew up this way; it is what I know best. I suppose this is another difference between TCA's and expats. For TCA's, moving abroad and moving around has always been the norm, while for expats (in my experience), moving abroad is a big step into the unknown. We share one thing though; the amazing experience that comes with living abroad.

Going home?

Right now, I am at the airport, going home! Going to a place I have never actually been to, and won’t be for very long, but still, I am going home. I have talked previously about the term “home”, and how for TCK’s, it often has a different meaning then for others. For me, home is where my family is, where my “things” are, the place I go to feel at home. I must say though, this situation is a first. In the past, I have moved places together with my family, so then; we were going to our “new home”. This was because none of us lived there yet, our "things" were not there yet, and our house had not been lived in yet. Now, I am going somewhere where there is a room with my bed, my books, my “things”. Where, we I walk around, there are the things that make a house a home. Pictures of us, tokens from our travels, our furniture. Somewhere that my family has lived for a bit, and so they call it their home. To put it in a very cheesy way; their home is my home.

Yes, it will be different this time. I am only staying for a little while since I have to go back to university. I am not going to school there, not looking for a job there, I am not completely settling myself there. I am going there to explore this new place which I call “home”, to see what it is like. To understand it’s culture, it’s people, it’s customs and norms. So that when someone asks me; “Where is home? What is it like?” I can answer with confidence.

I find it hard to explain, my strange view on what I call “home”. Maybe some people reading this will think it’s crazy that I am calling this destination my “home”, when I have not even been there yet, when I am not going to stay long. Hopefully I am not the only one who struggles with this, maybe fellow TCK’s can relate. What I do know for sure though is that right now, I am waiting to board a plane that will take me to my new home, and I'm excited! 

Lucky.

I have been in the Netherlands for a few weeks now, visiting family and friends, as we do every year. There is one phrase that I hear every year; “you are so lucky”. This is the response to our stories about travelling, living abroad, our experiences. I couldn’t agree more, because I am very lucky. Lucky to be given the opportunity to live abroad and experience different cultures, to grow up in a unique environment, to be able to travel, to study abroad. I do feel like I should point out one thing though; with the lifestyle comes hardships. I often feel like I cannot talk about this with family and friends here, because it would make me seem ungrateful. But this is not the case. I am so grateful for everything that I have, but sometimes, I wish it were different. When I have to say goodbye to my parents and brother for a few months, because I am studying in a country half way across the world to where they are living, I do not feel “lucky”. When I have to say goodbye to people who I love because I am moving, I do not feel “lucky”. When I feel shut out because I do not understand a culture and it’s norms, I do not feel “lucky”.

Even writing this, I feel like I shouldn’t post it. I am afraid that I will come across as “that spoiled girl that has a amazing life but whines about it”. At the same time though, I feel like I should be able to say these things, because everyone has points in their life when they wish they had it different.

As a TCK, you put on a brave face a lot. I put on a brave face for my grandparents when I tell them that I love university and that everything is great, but leave out the part that I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I have not seen my parents and brother for a few months. I put on a brave face for friends when I say that I don’t mind that they all go home in the weekend, when I really wish I could do the same. The only people I don’t put a brave face on for are my parents, my brothers, and my TCK friends, because they know what it feels like. So we whine together, we feel sorry for each other, for ourselves, and sometimes we cry together. It’s like a therapy session, and at the end of it, I come out of it, and sometimes, I even feel lucky.

To end off this post, let me just reiterate again that I know that I am lucky, that I am completely aware of it. I know I have opportunities that others don’t, that I have seen things in the world that others have not, that I have experiences that some can only dream of. But that sometimes, “lucky” is not the right word for our situation. Because with all those great things, come hardships. So if you meet a TCK, maybe don’t constantly remind them that they are lucky. Let them know that they don’t have to put on a brave face for you, because only then will you really get to know a TCK.  

*After a few weeks of not posting, I am back again full speed, so come back soon to check out a new post!

Family.

I recently did an interview with “Moving Abroad with Children” and was asked the question; do you think families that move abroad are close? If you watch the interview, you’ll see that my simple answer was; yes, we are. But I thought I would talk about it a little bit more, because I think it is something that TCK’s can relate with.

For a TCK, your immediate family is usually the only consistent thing throughout your life. You move around, go to numerous school, change friends groups, live in different cultures, but your family is always there with you. No matter where we were, my mom was always there to talk to, my dad always ready to help out. My brother was always there to annoy me, whether I liked it or not.

You go through the hardships together. The tears of leaving yet another home, the nervousness of a first day at a new school. These are things that bring you close to people; showing your vulnerable side. Moreover, they understand the hardships you experience with every move, and so everyone can help one another.

It is a general observation I have made; that TCK families are closer then regular families. Of course, I only have a few families to model this theory on, and I am in no way saying that "normal" families (aka: families that do not move around every few years) are not close. It just seems to me that the hard times bring a family closer. That is what I see with my family, and I suppose in some way I am grateful for the hard times and the tears, because it means that my support system during those times gets stronger and stronger.